When I was 21, I moved into my first apartment. It was a cute little studio in Queens, and I was overjoyed to carve out my own slice of New York City. It did come with nosy doormen, stubborn little cockroaches, and a long commute on the worst subway line in the city (f- you, F-train). But truly, it was perfect. Especially as it granted me the privilege of living sans roommates. This allowed me to freely indulge in my two favorite pastimes: random nudity, and vocal sex.
I am, without a doubt, a moaner. And a giggler. And often, upon orgasm, a screamer. Sex with me is an auditory affair. Even if I’m not involved! I used to love overhearing neighbors fucking through the paper-thin walls of my last boyfriend’s apartment building. I’d be WAY more turned on by an audio clip of someone masturbating than a snapshot of the same scene. I can’t even enjoy porn if there isn’t at least one particularly vocal performer (like in this Crash Pad scene that I love so much). What can I say? Sound is sexy.
What Shapes Our Sounds?
I’m sure no one who knows me IRL is terribly surprised by this predilection. Generally speaking, I’m kinda loud. I have a booming laugh. Attempts to startle me are always met with a massive gasp or squeal. I may just be wired this way. But lots of us have complicated relationships with vocal sex. Given that most of us grow up stealthily masturbating under our parents’ roof, our earliest sexual experiences tend to involve us piping down. Even after growing up and moving out, for many, the habit sticks.
There are definitely some gendered notions about who should and shouldn’t be expressive during sex. Women who sleep with men are conditioned to vocalize their pleasure in order to massage their partner’s ego, even if they aren’t having much fun. This is largely why fake orgasms are such an epidemic.
Men, on the other hand, are apparently way less willing to use their voices in bed. There was a whole meme last year poking fun at men’s collective resistance to vocalize their pleasure. Reddit and Quora are full of speculation on the matter, and I dove in deep. The most popular theories are that they believe it to be “unmasculine,” and that they’re subconsciously emulating the porn they watch, in which men are stoic and silent during the deed until they reach orgasm. Actual research has been conducted, but it’s proven difficult to detangle nature from nurture on this one. The world may never know.
I think vocal sex is wildly hot, regardless of my partner’s gender. But even if that’s not the case for you, it does have some practical applications worth considering. For one thing, it keeps your breath and blood flowing freely throughout your body. This has a majorly positive impact on the height of your peak. You can test this out the next time you have some solo fun: take a few deep breaths right before you’re about to come. Big difference, right?
Moans, shouts, and the occasional breathy “fuck” aren’t just sexy, they’re also valuable communication tools. They signal to your partner that whatever’s happening is reeeeally working for you. Also, for those of us who are still working on verbalizing our wants and needs in bed, wordless vocalizing can serve as a gateway to giving more explicit direction (if you’re interested, I’ve got some more communication ideas in this post I wrote for Lustery).
Here’s another tip: vocalizations and oral sex are an ideal pleasure pairing. They’re called “hummers” for a reason, people! When you sing, speak, hum, or moan, your vocal chords vibrate against each other in order to produce that sound. Those vibrations are a physical sensation that particularly sensitive spots can easily enjoy. Humming and moaning while you go down on your partner can really enhance their experience, and it can be major turn-on for both of you. Science!
Obviously, time and setting matters a lot when choosing to engage in a particularly expressive romp. Morning sex while the kids are asleep and public restroom sex should probably be muted (besides, trying not to get caught can be pretty hot as well). Please have respect for those within earshot who did not or cannot consent to such a scene. But when the right opportunity presents itself, I say shout it out!
Most of the time, my current living situation is not conducive to fucking in my favorite way. When I had that privilege in New York, it was so much easier to get out of my head and into my body, and not take myself so seriously. I’m anxiously awaiting the day that I can live like that again. For me, sex is best when it involves every single sense.