Q: Anal sex is always uncomfortable for me, if not outright painful. Why is this?! Is it supposed to hurt, or are we doing something wrong? How can I make it more pleasurable?
Ahhh, anal sex. Arguably the sex act most in need of myth-busting and stigma-shedding. No, your straight boyfriend wanting to try it does not make him gay. No, it will not lead to incontinence, now or in the future. And hell no, anal sex should not be painful; it can (and should) feel completely delightful! Pain during anal sex usually indicates one or more of the following problems:
1) You’re not warmed up sufficiently.
2) You need lubricant.
3) You’re not communicating.
Let’s break them down.
First off, anal sex is not just penetrative. Most of the nerve endings in this area are actually located on the anus itself, outside of the body. You can stimulate this spot with a finger pad, a flicking tongue, or a pinpointed vibrator. In fact, I strongly recommend that you do, and not just because rim jobs are fucking awesome. This external stimulation is necessary before penetration because, well, your ass has a mind of its own.
We all actually have two sphincters, and we can only consciously control the outer one. The inner one, which rests a few inches deeper into the anal canal, needs more convincing. It generally will not accept a penis or a toy unless the body is completely relaxed and turned on so – Take. Your. Time.
Maybe start with a nice glute massage to get blood flow going, or try having your partner stimulate the second sphincter with a lubed up finger pad, just like they did on the outside. Speaking of lube…
Lack of Lubrication
Unlike the vagina, the butt does not self-lubricate, no matter how turned on you are. The skin around the anal opening is also much thinner and more fragile than that of the vagina, so it needs a some extra TLC. If you skip lube, pain (not to mention tearing, yikes!) is much more likely.
I recommend a thick, viscous lube like Sutil Rich because it will cushion your sensitive rosebud, or a slippery silicone one like Uberlube, which won’t absorb into the skin at all so it lasts forever. This goes for all anal penetration, with penises or dildos and butt plugs (friendly reminder to only use water-based lube with silicone toys).
Repeat after me: lube is not optional for anal sex. And when I say lube, I mean lube. Saliva is not a good substitute because it absorbs into the skin. Even if you’re just doing external butt stuff, lube is a great way to go. It even amplifies vibration from toys (a quick note on toy use: anything you put in your ass MUST have a flared base for retrieval. If you don’t know why, ask your local ER doctor).
I personally don’t recommend oil-based lubes because they tend to linger in the body, but butts are much less choosy about them than vaginas. Some folks swear by oil-based lubes, so just observe your body’s reaction if you’d like to try them.
Lack of Communication
While unpleasant by nature, pain is important because it tells us when there is a problem. Pain is your body’s way of communicating with you, but you can avoid it entirely by communicating better with your partner. Are they thrusting too fast or too hard for you? Does one position or angle feel better than another? Do you need more lube?
These are not things that a partner will necessarily intuit, so please, use your words! It is the only way to get across the information that will make your experience most enjoyable, and you deserve to enjoy every moment of a sex act you’re participating in.
One Last Thing
The ass is an equal opportunity orifice. We’ve all got one! But some of us have a special pleasure button up there: the prostate. Anyone with a penis can enjoy prostate play in addition to the other pleasures I’ve described here. Prostates are just like g-spots in how they respond to stimulation. They tend to like firm, rhythmic pressure (as with a rocking motion), with or without vibration. A “come hither” motion with a finger or two will also get the job done.
The best toys for this are almost always curved and rigid, so I’d recommend hard materials like stone or glass. May I recommend the Pfun Plug by Njoy, a stunning stainless steel butt plug that’s designed for prostates but that all asses can appreciate! Y’all, I don’t even have a prostate and this is my favorite butt toy ever. Don’t miss it.
I hope this helps you access the pleasure that you’re seeking. It’s worth it!